Shady Lady Fights Back!

The life and times of another suburban dreamer

And now?

Posted by Audrey on August 10, 2009

1:40 am.  Just got home. I just snuck out of the flat of a boy I rather like and left him sleeping because my emotional deadness has reached a point where I can neither cuddle nor spend the night. To make it even better I then invited more mates round to mine – they will be here any minute. So instead of getting some sleep (which I didn’t last night, so we’re pushing 48 hours here) next to a lovely man, I am going to misbehave some more and pretend that’s ok. Will I ever learn? Do I care? Right now, with the joint and the bottle of wine in front of me, the answer has to be no. But come Tuesday morning, and the end of the long weekend, things must be different.

Wait, have you heard that before?

What scares me the most this time is that I have turned into all the things I never wanted to be. I have turned into the men who broke my heart over and over. I have less emotional availability than they did. And I can’t bring myself to care. It makes it all a little easier, if truth be told. I don’t feel exposed, or vulnerable – but at the same time, I do feel very alone. I am not sure how one would break through this new shell, because I’m not sure where it came from, or when. And as long as it stays, I am on my own on this journey, whether anyone else tries to be there for me or not.

 

And if the boy I snuck out on reads this: I’m sorry. Creeping out at 1:00 am felt a bit like a cheap trick, but I couldn’t stay. The oldest line in the book goes something along the lines of ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ But I don’t know how else to phrase it. I’m working on it, if that helps…

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